Hold me as I'm falling apart
by TheUsagi1995
Summary: 1-Shot. Following the end of S12E03 "The foundry" Mary shuts the door behind her, leaving Dean&Sam. Dean shuts himself away and Sam wants to help him, talk to him. That,leads to an ugly fight between the brothers. During that fight, Dean says hard words, and breaks down. Good thing that Sam is always there to help him. PANIC ATTACK MEENTIONED. H/c Light Wincest FULL SUMMARY INSIDE!


_**A/N! Hello! I hope that you're all doing great!**_

 _ **So, long story short. I wanted to write this ever since the episode aired, but I didn't have time. Well now I do, and I finally got to finish it!WARNING! This fanfiction contains mentions of a PANIC ATTACK. If it triggers you, please avoid reading it. (It's not too graphic but anyway.)**_ _ **I've never had one of those, thus all I know I found on the internet, please forgive any mistake!**_ _ **I own nothing, neither the Supernatural series, nor its characters. Only my...vivid imagination! No Money are made by this.**_

* * *

 _ **FULL SUMMARY!**_

 **Following the end of episode 3 of season 12 "The foundry"**

 _ **Mary shuts the door behind her, leaving Dean and Sam stunned and alone. While Sam is hurting, he can understand his mother's decesion. Dean on the other hand can not, and so he shuts himself away from his brother. Sam however, wants to help him, and tries to talk to him... That however, leads to Dean's explosion of anger, and an ugly fight between the brothers. During that fight, Dean says hard words, and then, breaks down...**_  
 _ **Good thing that Sam is always there to help him...**_

 _ **HOPE THAT YOU WILL ENJOY! :) A/N!**_

* * *

'Bang'...

That deafening rattler echoed throughout the underground bunker, echoed in each and every corner, a sound strong, and cruel. And that sound, could only be caused, by the old, way too old, metallic door been forcibly shut. Time, seemed to stand still for a few seconds, as none of the brothers didn't even dare to breathe. They just waited, standing there, in the middle of the main room. Waited, standing still, like statues carved in stone.

* * *

'Bang'...

What was that? Was it the old door, had it been reopened?

'Bang'...

Green eyes flicked, from the floor all the way up, to the door, hoping beyond hope, that it would have been opened. But they found it shut. Then, what was this sound?

'Bang'...

There it was again, the exact same as before, that cold and cruel, never-ending peal, which was echoing in Dean's ears over and over again. But, what was it? Why couldn't it just... Stop? Dean's breath hitched as he moved a few steps backwards from where he was standing, in an attempt to make himself believe he wasn't dreaming.

* * *

'Bang'...

Sam's hazel eyes were on him, Dean knew that, without having to look. He could feel their weight, could feel them piercing him, and he was sure that they could see right through his clothes, could see what was hiding underneath his very own skin... Could see everything. Thus, the older man couldn't tear his gaze from the floor, no. Were he to meet his brother's eyes, he would fall apart right at that moment.

* * *

'Bang'...

There it was again.

'Bang'...

God, make it stop...

'Bang'...

* * *

Who was he trying to fool? Dean knew what that sound was, oh yes, he knew, so very well. It was the clock, that small ticking sound, which marked the passing of yet, another second. Because for Dean, who had just witnessed his mother shutting the old door of the bunker behind her as she was leaving, every passing second in which she didn't make an appearance, was sounding just like that door, which his mother had just shut.

* * *

'Bang'...

And damn, that rattle, was not just the sound of the clock, but the sound of his heart as well. Every beat, he could hear, loud and deafening in his ears... And it sounded just like that door which had been shut. So Dean was sure, that his heart was breaking to pieces for yet another time. And this time, there was no one, who could put it back together, of that Dean, was sure of.

* * *

"Dean..." Said a voice, a voice the older hunter loved, but didn't want to hear right then. It was Sam's voice, but the other man ignored him, turning around, heading towards the kitchen. His legs could barely function, but he somehow managed to reach the other room. With eyes blinded by anger and sorrow he opened the old fridge, grabbing a bottle of beer in a swift move. Opening the bottle with his bare hand, the middle Winchester brought it to his lips, emptying more than half of the beer it contained inside it. Breathing heavily, Dean fixed his eyes on the floor.

* * *

"Get out of here Sam, I'm not in the mood for talking." He declared, not bothering to look over his shoulder. He knew Sam was standing a few inches behind him. "Dean... Please I-" "I said, get out of here Sam." The green eyed man repeated, bringing the bottle to his lips again. Sam sighed bitterly, but his brother chose to ignore him. The beer was flowing inside of him as though it was water, offering him no distraction from the pain which had overtaken him. "Dean, please... Don't shut me out man..." Sam said, voice soft, but unsteady.

* * *

But the old man turned a deaf ear on him for yet one more time and moved towards the cupboard, where he kept a small flask of whiskey. Drinking the rest of the beer In a blink of an eye, Dean tossed the now empty bottle in the trashcan and opened the small flask which he kept in the other hand. "Dean, I-" "Sam, I won't say it again, get out of here. I can't..." But at that point his voice quivered and the older man swallowed to keep it steady. Avoiding to turn his gaze on his brother,the green eyed man spoke again. "I can't... I don't want to talk to you now." He finally uttered, and heard Sam gasping, as he took a few steps backwards.

* * *

It was true, that Sam wanted to talk to his brother, for he needed him so very much at that moment... But despite his own pain, Sam obliged the gears in his mind to keep turning, and pushed his sorrow aside for a while. It wasn't easy, no, it wasn't easy at all. His mother, who he had just met, had shut the door behind her and left him. And that, Sam could not accept. For years he had been blaming himself for her untimely death, even after he had learned that she had made a deal to save John Winchester. For years he had carried this weight on his shoulders, the weight of knowing that he was the reason why, Dean was robbed of his mother.

* * *

But now, she had returned, she had been there with him, and he had felt her arms around him, had buried his nose in her hair, had heard her beautiful voice saying his name... She had been there, until she decided that she... Just couldn't be... And Sam had lost her, lost her fast, faster than he had found her... Thus, he had turned his gaze on Dean, knowing that he would find comfort and love there.

* * *

But instead of those feelings, when Sam looked at his brother, he found anger and rage on the surface... And as he looked better, looked in those astonishing green eyes he had come to adore, Sam found sorrow, despair and pain inside them. Not bearing to see his brother so broken, the younger man gathered up his self control, and obliged his mind to keep working. Because Dean needed him. And this time, Sam would be there, no matter what.

* * *

"Dean..." Sam muttered as Dean took a sip of his whiskey, flinching at the feeling of burning liquor been poured inside of him. "She needs time. She's just... overwhelmed, you'll see that-" "I think I was quite clear when I said that I don't want to talk to you." The green eyed man shot back piercing Sam with his gaze. "Dean she-" "She walked away on us." "She needs to adjust-" "And why couldn't she do that here?" Dean questioned, drinking more whiskey as he finished talking. "Dean... Anyone would need some time alone, time to think, to let things sink in..." The younger Winchester replied, voice filled with sadness. And honestly, Sam didn't know who was he trying to convince. His brother, or himself?

* * *

"Yeah... See, you call it 'adjustment...' while I call it 'cowardice'." Dean replied after a long pause, during which, he took two more sips of whiskey and sat on a chair near the table. "Dean! You have no right to talk like that!" The young man shot back, eyes narrowing. But his choice of words couldn't be more inappropriate... For those words took away what little control the middle Winchester had managed to maintain... And like a flood, emotions rose up to his chest, rage and hurt, sorrow and longing, betrayal and bitterness, disappointment and regret...

* * *

All those emotions, followed by countless others for which Dean couldn't find a name, clenched themselves around his heart, making his blood boil and then freeze, trapping his breath in his lungs, blurring his sight, blanking his mind... And Dean was at their mercy, for they were too many, for they were hurting him so much... But how could he get rid of them? How could he... "Dean, I know it's hard, believe me, I know... But she had been dead for almost thirty-three years, you must understand..." But the rest of the sentence Sam said went unheard... Because Dean could listen to him no longer... And in less than a heartbeat, the dam which was keeping the green eyed man together, was shuttered like glass...

* * *

Bang...

The door had been shut...

The flask had been thrown to the wall...

And the dam inside of the hunter, had been broken...

Dean, had been broken.

* * *

"Dude, the flask, what the hell you want to destroy it or something-" "Understand? You want me to understand? What? Understand what? That she is a coward?" "Dean, don't talk like that-" "Why not Sam? She told me that herself, when we were looking for you! She was wondering, how would she be able to face you, since it was she, who started all this!" Dean yelled, getting up from his chair. At the sound of those words, Sam's eyes widened and blurred and his hands started to shake...

* * *

"We just got her back and then she leaves... Yeah, she's so facing the music..." Dean rasped, grabbing another bottle of whiskey, which he opened in less than a blink of an eye. "Dean, for thirty-three years she lived in heaven, with the family of her dreams... And... And it's not easy... She knew us as little kids and now we are taller than her..." Sam whispered, with an aching pain, because he could see, that his brother was feeling empty inside. "Oh, stop, stop it already! Those kids she talked about, they're no more! They died the same night she did! Along with her precious John!" Dean yelled, drinking large sips of whiskey directly from the bottle, not caring for the almost torturous, burn he was feeling.

* * *

"Dean... Please don't do this..." "They died that night, along with her...Their innocence, their carelessness, their chance to have a life..." Dean muttered, and Sam knew he was mostly referring to himself. Unable to utter a word, Sam swallowed hard, taking a few steps towards his brother. "They died... But we... We're here... We're right here!" The green eyed man yelled, kicking the chair he was previously sitting on. "Yet, she chooses the past, she chooses to live with her memories, rather than try and see what's right before her eyes!" Dean continued, his breath becoming shallower and ragged, his chest tightening.

* * *

"She will see it Dean, she just needs to learn how to be able to do that, without hating herself." Sam said, voice low, hand touching Dean's trembling shoulder, in an attempt to calm him down. "We've become what she never wanted us to be... And she thinks it's her fault, so as painful as it is for the both of us-" "No, it's not painful..." "Dean, just listen-" "It's not the same for the both of us Sam." Here, Dean's voice trailed off, and the young man remained stunned with his hand frozen on his brother's shoulder. Taking many more ships from the bottle he was still holding, Dean fixed his eyes on hurt hazel ones.

* * *

"Dean, she's my mother as well-" "You just met her Sam. But me? I remember her... Every time I shoot some supernatural son of a bitch I remember her! Every time dad used to train me with guns and knives, her face would pass before my eyes!" Dean snapped, freeing himself from his brother's hold fast, taking a few steps to the side. "Every fucking time dad would say 'This is an order Dean...', her smile would appear in my mind! Even when I went to Hell, during the endless tortures Alastair put me through... It was her voice which kept me sane!" The green eyed man yelled, waving his hands in anguish, feeling his chest becoming tighter by the second.

* * *

Sam's eyes could barely make out the objects inside the room, as the tears were blurring them to the point where Sam knew that as soon as he would blink, the tears, would fall. "So no, no Sam, it's not the same... It's not..." But Dean's broken voice, fainted, as his mind could now understand what he had been saying to his brother. Not bearing to look at him, the older man did the only thing he could do, he drunk even more of the burning liquor, silently coursing for his stupidity. Sam on the other hand, kept his eyes on Dean and even though he was hurting beyond measure by his declarations, he knew his brother didn't really meant what he had said... Or so he hoped...

* * *

"Alright then, alright Dean, you're right, she has made a mistake and you're deeply hurt by it, more than I am." Sam coaxed, voice calm and low. "But maybe, if she spends a little time away from us then-" "No Sam, no, I won't find excuses! I'm tired of finding excuses for every single member of this Goddamn family!" Dean said, pressing his hand on his face, as a wave of dizziness hit him. "Dean what is it-" "No, I'm so done! All dad ever did was to give me orders... And then, one day he just left... And then, there's you... The great lawyer, who literary ran away from me, because he wanted a different life, and time to think!" Dean said, raising his voice even more, while drinking whiskey for yet another time.

* * *

"So all of you left at some point! But not me! I stayed, I stayed and fought! Fought for Mom's memory! Then, when dad left I fought my way towards him! When you left..." Here Dean's voice fainted, and Sam could barely hold himself together. "Dean, Dean I'm here now and I've always loved you so much-" "Yeah, that's why you fled..." "Dean you know why I needed to go-" "But after you were gone... I thought... That I should fight harder, so that no supernatural piece of shit could hurt you..." At the sound of those words, Sam moved fast, bringing his body only inches away from Dean's... But the older man was too lost to mind him.

* * *

"So I kept fighting... And when dad died... Even then, I kept it up... So now she's back, she, is back and then she leaves?" Dean rasped, unable to control his breathing. "Dean, slow down buddy, slow down and breathe for me..." Sam cooed taking a hold of Dean's shaking shoulders. The old man however, pushed Sam back and took one more sip right of the bottle. "She leaves...And why? Because I'm a hunter? Because I fight? Because dad is dead because of me?" Dean exclaimed, unable to stop his hands from shaking. Sam's breath was caught in his throat... "Dean, Dean no, dad's death isn't your fault, mom just needs some space and I of all people can understand-" But Dean wouldn't have that.

* * *

"Of course you'd understand her... You feel the same way don't you?" "No, no Dean, try to calm down-" "You left once... And I don't even know why you're still here..." The older man rasped, putting the bottle back on the table. "Dean... Stop saying such things, you know I would never leave you-" "Why Sam? Everyone leaves, eventually... And so will you... Then why not get this over with?" "Dean, you're not thinking straight right now-" "No, no for once, I actually am thinking straight, and also what's best for me! You always wanted a different life-" "Not anymore Dean, not for a long time, you know it-" "You always have, always will... So here's your chance, go, get away from here, from this life, from me." Dean rasped, as he turned around to face Sam.

* * *

"Dean-" "Just go! Go now, leave and go live your life!" The older man almost screamed, tears in the corners of his eyes... "Go, like they all do." Sam bit his lip and grabbed his brother by the shirt. "No, Dean no, I don't want to-" "Oh please... Just go and leave me alone already!" He finally rasped, pushing Sam backwards. "Get the Hell out of here, leave, leave me-" But Dean's shouts could no longer be uttered, as the older man felt his chest becoming nothing but a knot, and his breath getting trapped in his lungs.

* * *

As black spots appeared before his eyes, Dean tripped over his own feet and he would have fallen down if Sam's hands hadn't been hovering around his waist. "No, don't, just leave-" "Dean, easy, Dean, come on, come on now, lean on me, easy now..." Sam coaxed, as he lowered them both on the floor and got himself behind his brother, so that his chest would be touching Dean's back. Placing one hand right above Dean's heart, Sam held the older man as close to him as possible. "No, let me-" "Shh, shh, Dean, calm down and breathe, breathe with me, come on." Sam pleaded, grabbing Dean's right hand with his own free one.

* * *

"No, you'll just leave like she did-" "In... And out. Come on baby, in and out... In and out..." Sam instructed, calling Dean with the one nickname he knew would get his attention. Truth be told, only Dean would call Sam 'baby', or 'baby boy', and not the other way around. But Sam needed to get through to his brother and had no other way to do that. "Like she-" "She'll be back Dean, she'll be back, you'll see... You'll see. Now breathe for me, breathe..." Sam replied, hoping that he was right. "In and out, come on, you know how this goes Dean..." And the green eyed man, did the only thing he could, he melted in Sam's embrace and tried to breathe.

* * *

He surrendered, in that embrace, having Sam's arms as his boat while his voice served as a compass, that soft voice, filled with concern and love. "In... and out... Come on baby, breathe for me... Come on Dean, I'm here, and I'll stay here..." Oh that voice, which was always there, giving him courage and hope... One breath, and then the next, and then the next, because Sam was asking him to, because Sam was there, by his side, with his puppy dog eyes, his smile, his long hair... He was there... And Dean was not alone. No, so long Sam was there, Dean would not be alone. "In and out... That's it Dean..."

"Sam, Sammy..." "Shh, no, no talking okay? Come on... Let go brother, let it all go..." The young man coaxed, rubbing circles on his brother's chest, while he kept whispering in his ear... And as Sam kept coaxing, Dean let himself surrender in that embrace, and cried, cried hard, until he had no tears left to shed... "I'm here Dean, I'll always be here..." Whispered Sam, again and again, until he felt his brother relaxing, going almost lax in his arms.

* * *

"Hey, hey hey hey, Dean, can you hear me?" Receiving a nod for an answer, Sam let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding. For a long time they sat there, on the floor, with Dean leaning on Sam's chest and with their fingers lashed, but time seemed to have no meaning, as Dean was taking in small, steady breaths. And that was all, Sam wanted. At some point however, Dean finally broke the silence.

"Look, what I said about us not feeling the same-" Dean uttered lashing his fingers of his right hand with Sam's even more, while resting his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes..."I know Dean, I know..." Assured the younger man, but Dean opened his eyes and fixed them on sad hazel ones. "I'm sorry... Sammy, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." But the next apology was swallowed by Sam's tender kiss...

* * *

"You think that she'll be back?" Dean finally asked, gasping for breath, while turning his gaze on the floor. "She will Dean, she will." Sam replied, and hoped that he was not lying. "But still... You're stuck with me whether you like it, or not." Sam stated, smiling. When Dean did not answer Sam tried to meet his gaze. "Dean... I-" "Did you mean it? That this, has been your life for a long while now?" Murmured the green eyed man, and Sam sighed. "Do you really not know the answer to that?" He questioned, and Dean's eyes widened.

* * *

Within seconds, Sam found himself lying on the floor with Dean hovering atop of him. Silence then fell in the kitchen and Sam got Dean's face in his hands. "You and me, against the world Dean." The kiss which followed, was filled with heat and so much love, so much need, that Sam felt he was suffocating. For in that kiss, Dean had put every bit of affection he had, and Sam knew that his brother needed him to show him that he was there and that he loved him. And he had but one way to do that.

Sam pushed his tongue inside, leaking Dean's mouth clean, claiming it... "It's you and me against the world." He repeated as the kiss ended. "And Baby." Dean added. "And Baby..." Sam uttered gasping for breath, lips turning into a smile. "And the rest we will figure out..." He continued fixing his darkening emerald eyes on Dean's green orbs. "I love you Dean..." He finally said, letting his brother hide his face in the crook of his neck. "I love you..." He repeated softly.

* * *

Sam knew that Dean was still hurting, that he was still feeling betrayed. He also knew that deep inside, his brother didn't believe he deserved to be loved. So, he kept muttering the words, and he would keep repeating them, until Dean could believe them. And if he never did?

Well, then Sam couldn't imagine a better way to spend his every breath, up to the very last one, than trying to do just that...

* * *

"Ummm, Dean we should get up now..." Sam muttered after a long while, during which he had been running circles on Dean's back. "Dean?" But when even breaths were the only response Sam received, his face frowned... "Great... You fucking jerk, I'm not a mattress you know!" Sam muttered, with voice lower than usual. Well, he sure was going to be one, for the next five minutes...

Yeah, Dean deserved them... And Sam, would never refuse giving them to him...  
"I love you." He said again, and felt Dean's lips forming a smile...

* * *

 _ **A/N! So, that's it! Please tell me what you think! Also, this story is an one-shot! :)**_  
 _ **Love you all, hope that you enjoed! A/N!**_


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